| | Security: | | | Time: | 12:19 am | | Current Mood: |  sad |
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| today, was just a bad day, and a good day at the same time. for those of you who didn't know, my sister recenetly got a new puppy. and her name was bella. my family and i were very excited about the new addition to our family. she came here with my sister last week, and was perfectly happy and a very good mannered dog. she was so sweet and would shower you with kisses and burrow into your chest when you would hold her. she was the only dog i ever felt comfortable around.
to make a very long and complicated story short, she quickly turned very ill, and was put to sleep today because of what the doctors think was brain disease. this puppy was only 10 weeks old. my family and especially my sister is devestated. who knew that only after five days, one could become so attached to something. we all loved her so much, and we are so sad that she left us. but we know it was best. it wasn't fair to let her live, and suffer. we know she greeted all of our loved ones in heaven with many kisses.
this is probably the last thing that my sister needed to deal with. she has been through a lot in the past few years. it seems almost cruel to add this to already difficult resume. but, i know this is just another thing that will make her a stronger person, and we love her even more for being brave enough.
its funny that today in relationships we had a speak on grief and loss, and my sister is following the exact steps. she is still very shocked that this has all happened so fast, and i know the next few days will be very hard, but i know she will get through it.
i have a new found respect for anyone who has had to go though the loss of a pet. this dog wasn't even technically mine, and i am devestated. i can't imagine having a dog for 15 years and having it pass on. i have much respect for people that have gone through it.
i believe the lord works in mysterious ways, but i know that she was taken for a reason. if not to make my sister stronger, but to make someone else happy. as much as it sucks, i know it was for a reason.
besides that news, tonite was fun. my fantastic friends made my night better by laughing and just having a good time at max's. even if it did consist of rolling down his hill in a tire... haha just visualize it and you will laugh... i know i did.
anyway, its time to move on to another day.. with as much strength as possible... | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Security: | | | Subject: | lonley | | Time: | 10:13 am | | Current Mood: |  annoyed |
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| so, today i am crabby and annoyed and sad and frustrated. why do people have to be so cliquey?! im sure i have been cliquey before, i know i have. im not innocent. but, its kind of gotten out of control. but, lately, when people do get cliquey, i don't. im left on the outside to feel sorry for myself. and i do feel sorry for myself. i just don't think its very nice... and i feel blue.
im not gonna say names and whos doing what.. its jt frustrating to me.
hopfully ill find something to do tonite.. if an uncliquey person wants to do something... BLECH.
arg.. thats all i have to say. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Security: | | | Subject: | not myself | | Time: | 10:11 pm | | Current Mood: |  mellow |
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| i think there is a time in everyone's life when we stop and say, "who am i?" while i realize i am still quite young, i sort of would like to know who i am... now.
i think about high school, and for so long, i have tried to cover up how i feel about things and about people, that sometimes i leave myself behind, and i should be concerned about myself. not in a selfish way, but in a positive way.
ive been concerned about what other people think of me and to make sure that someone isn't mad at me or upset with me, but does that matter? should i care about how someone feels about me? because at the end of the day, i only have myself.
"suppose i say, i am on my best behavior. there are times, i lose my worried mind. would you want me, when im not myself. wait it out while i am someone else. suppose i say, colors change, for no good reason. words will go, from poetry, to prose. would you want me, when im not myself. wait it out while, i am someone else. and i, in time, will come around, i always do, for you... suppose i say, you're my saving grace????? would you want me while im somone else, wait it out while i am someone else...?"
this little song is by a brilliant man by the name of john mayer, the line, "would you want me, when im not myself"... that can keep you thinking for a long time... think about it.
i dunno where this came from... but its interesting. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | baby bash- suga suga | | Security: | | | Subject: | weekend | | Time: | 06:40 pm | | Current Mood: |  cranky |
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| friday:
school was decent, allie, sara, kayla, and i went to chipotle for lunch. i love hanging out with those girls. when we get together, we laugh and its just fun. after school latts and i went to cub to buy fruit to make fruit salad for the bbq/picnic shin-dig. i became paralyzed by my weird back problem at cub and couldn't walk all that well. latts was nice enough to carry the fruit to the car. we had a nice discussion about jason's hottness in the car, and went back to my house to make the salad.
the bbq/picnic thing was a lot of fun. and i got some cute pictures from it which is good. i was so frustrated with everything after the bbq/picnic tho. i couldn't decided who to hang with, and felt unwanted by some, and i was so pissed. so i went home and cried to my mom for a few minutes, and then sara and morgan were nice enough to call me and tell me to come liz's. so i did. i had fun while i was there, i like hangin out and talking.
saturday:
i didn't do anything of significance until we went to go see "mean girls". i thought it was really funny, really cute, and sadly really true. and p.s., the guy in it is so adorable. gotta love a cutie :) after the movie we went to old chicago. i liked my meal as always and had fun watching the "interestning" kids in the spelling bee. there was tension in the restuarant that i didn't really get then and there, which was a bummer.
and only more drama followed. too many people went their serperate ways, and i was pissed off. marcus didn't call me, and that pissed me off. we got way dissed by people at brooke's house, and that pissed me off.
but, audrey, allie, latts, morgan, and i had a good time eating cookie dough and making lists.
i went to bed feeling sad and crabby...
sunday:
woke up nice and late because i didn't have church this morning. my dad took me to the twins game this afternoon which was a lot of fun. they lost, but a lot of things happened while we were there. i got a phone call while i was there, and it was marcus. he called apologizing about not hanging out yesterday and he felt really bad, which was really nice. i told him not to worry and thanks for calling, and that we will hang out this week or something. what a nice guy. and then, a guy proposed to his girlfriend like 4 rows in front of us. both of their families were there and the girl was so surprised. it was just adorable :) my dad and i both had a little tear in our eye. then, the people behind us got to play the attendance scramble game and they won! 20,744 people. it was an old couple, they were very cute.
my dad and i got to take the bmw to the game and drove home with the top down. it was a lot fun. and cold.
i came home and called becca to see if she wanted to go to target in the beamer. we did that, and had fun. we felt super stylish.
now i am back at home and crabby for absolutley no reason. i kinda bitched my dad out at the dinner table about how he needs to understand that just because im quiet doesn't mean im having a nervous breakdown, and that he cannot ask me 3,000,000,000,000,000 questions. i think he might have gotten the picture. i always go to him if i need to talk, but right now i don't even know what i need to talk about. im just cranky, and confused... and i don't even know what about.
that is my story. for now... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| today was a long day. i don't know why, but the prom things are driving me insane. i have always been one to try and take control of things haha, and i have done it again. we have dinner reservations so that is a good starting place, now we just have to figure out what's going on with pictures and possibly a limo...i just want to get it solved now, so we can just look forward to the night and not have to worry about plans. blech.
after school today, shannon, becca and i went to go watch max and marcus play tennis. they both lost, so now we feel like we are bad luck and should never go again, haha but oh well.. wayzata looked like a good team so whow knows.
im getting really nervous about school being over. it seems like yesterday when i was a freshman and thought, "It is going to take forever to be a Senior", negative. it flew by like no other. it scares me to think about not having the comforts of home anymore, and possibly losing a lot of people i care about. it will be very interesting to see how well we all keep in touch.
i am very excited for the weather to get nicer, it is supposed to be in 80's tomorrow. That will be refreshing and hopefully put people in better moods... a lot of people have been crabby, including myself. i was reading in my CosmoGIRL today and it had this chart on what your moods mean, and what you should do to fix them. It said if you are feeling sad, or unerergized for a few days, you just have the blues. i know you don't have to be a genius to figure it out, but it was an interesting article. it said that it was really normal for girls our age to be sad or feeling depressed for no reason, and that we should exercise to do something to send endorphins to our brain to make us feel happier, i don't have the energy to do that... but i think i need to.
so maybe i will go dance around my room or something...maybe to spice girls to make me feel better...or go watch real world.. ill flip a coin.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| hello. today is tuesday. its 8:30 p.m. no homework done at all, i need to start doing that again.
today i woke up insanely late, at 7:33 a.m. to be exact. i was so paniced... and i was 5 mins late for first hour. i swear by the end of the year i will be strolling in around 8:30 a.m. i wonder how mrs. krantz would like that, probably not too much.
in pro/tech today, i had a question on my edit, so i went up to doc evans to ask. it was so cute, my question was stupid and on my spacing, but i thought i should ask cause i can't lose more points on stupid things, and he thanked me for being concerned about it. he is such a nice man, even though he tends to ramble.
i discovered something exciting today. on our cabel, we have an MTV hits channel, that plays videos around the clock all day, and NO COMMERCIALS. how neato is that? i was super happy. and to add to that goodness, a new HANSON video came on. and may i just say, that zac is so beautiful its disgusting. so watch for the "penny and me" video, its tres cute. and i am in the process in downloading their new cd, which is very good. how fun is that.
well, my mom and i decided that im going to get my prom dress made. i know everyone is tired of talking about prom, so ill make it short. its gonna be cool, black, with a big ruffle thing in the back. i realize it doesn't sound very appealing at the moment, but think 1940's style hollywood, classic, type thing. hopefully that all works out :). we are meeting with the seamstress tomorrow.
my mom and i went to O.C. for dinner tonite because our stupid house is all torn up and we can't eat in the kitchen and it smells like paint which isn't very appitizing. i had pizza it was good. ash i saw you in the kitchen but i didn't think i should duck in and say hi! haha so sorry bout that, but i did see you :)
well, i need to go work on all the things i havn't been doing for the past few days. relationships project and sociology are hanging over my head.
thanks for reading this, just needed to update i guess.
"Cause Penny and me like to roll the windows down
Turn the radio up, push the pedal to the ground
And Penny and me like to gaze at starry skies
Close our eyes, pretend to fly
It's always Penny and me tonight
Staring at a million city lights
But it's still Penny and I all alone beneath the sky
Feel the wind brushing slowly by
If I could soar I'd try to take these wings and fly
Away to where the leaves turn red
But no matter where I am instead
Singing along to feeling alright
We'll make it by in the pink moonlight
It's always Penny and me tonight" | | comments: Leave a comment |
| soo today was an okay day. last night i was just feelin shitty about everything.
i think that i have had a revelation about prom, im not going to get specific. but, who know's what could happen, but i feeling a little better about things. bottom line, life will go on. it might move slowly, but it will go.
liz and i are doing a project on ethnic marriages for relationships. i think that will be pretty cool, and we can make a cool power point lizzy :) ha itll be AWESOME. (im a geek, i can handle it).
but, this weekend should be good. goin to the twins game tomorrow night and then maybe stoppin by the dance, depends on the time. but it should be good either way.
anyway, im gonna go do something else now. hope you all had a good day, and tomorrow is friday thank goodness. monday seems like weeks ago. blech.
FIRSTS.
First best friend: jessica casto
First car: my jeep i guess. i perfer not to count the bug.
First date: hmm not yet?
First real kiss: ha i remember audrey.. none for me.. so sad.
First screen name: JLB545
First self purchased album: Janet Jackson
First funeral: my great-grandma's. i was about 4.
First pet: i had a gold fish
First piercing/tattoo: ears when i was 8
First credit card: a couple years ago.. just a debit card.. not "credit"
First enemy: umm i dunno laura brady maybe? never liked her.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: the beach boys for sure
Last cigarette: havnt had one.
Last car Ride: just a little while ago
Last kiss: moving on
Last good cry: last night.. oh man
Last movie seen on TV: umm... notting hill
in theaters: prince and me
Last beverage drank: diet coke
Last food consumed: chicken sandwhich
Last crush: tcon
Last time showered: this morning
Last shoes worn: running shoes
Last cd played: ben jelen
Last item bought: dinner
Last annoyance: prom i suppose
Last disappointment: my bio test grade. darn.
Last time wanting to die: ive never REALLY wanted to die.. but i few times at school this week. its kinda painful.
Last shirt worn: catherdral choir shirt..
Last website visited: azlyrics.com
Last word you said: "bye" to becca getting out of the car i suppose
Last song you sang: "come on" ben jelen | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Ben Jelen - Giving It Away | | Security: | | | Subject: | i wonder | | Time: | 10:06 pm | | Current Mood: | melancholy |
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| i know i havnt written in a long time, but i needed to get some stuff out.
i've been thinking about things that have been said to me in my life (by none of you who read this so no worries), things that have been so hurtful. and the funny thing is, is that these things were said to me when i was very young, by people i didn't know very well, and don't even really know now. but, is it possible for those things that were said to come back to you, and haunt you a little bit? these past few days, i can't forget what was said. its so embarassing for me to talk about this, its kind of like a captain obvious moment, all of it is about my weight.
you hear these horror stories from girls who were tormented when they were younger, i was never tormented, not even close. its the little side comments that hurt me so much. and now, those comments, are catching up to me. for so long i have tried to lose weight, but i continue to remind myself, well its not important at all. people should respect me for who i am, and what i think, not for what i look like.
i am not saying i think i am ugly, because i don't think that. of course there are things i would change about myself, just like everyone does.
all of my crazy emotions are wacked out by all of the prom hype, i just feel so inadequate to other girls. i know i won't get asked, and if i ask someone, would they think, "oh great the fat girl asked me"? sometimes i think that, and it terrifies me.
i wonder if this will ever go away, and if i will change.
im not asking for pitty, not at all. i don't think i'm a horrible person, i just wish sometimes people would take a deeper look, and see there is more to the exterior ya know? i wonder if it will happen... | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Security: | | | Subject: | 3rd hour | | Time: | 10:31 am | | Current Mood: | lazy |
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| good lord. doc evans has been talking for ummm 25 mins straight. im scared he will catch me typing. eeks. but al is not here.. where are you?! and amy isnt here either.. man oh man. the only thing keeping me entertained is "god". gotta love that. he's such a cutie.
last night, well, sucked bc we lost. i cant believed they played so bad.. i think they went in too confident. but who knows. im hoping they can redeem themselves on friday, it would be a miracle if we won, but it will be fun just the same. :)
tonite is the hockey game at merucci. im hoping everything runs smoothly... haha but i know if we leave with enough time, itll all be okay. "im not worried" haha.
so what else is new in my life... well i think most of you heard about the jessika kuppe story from last night. im still shocked that she said that to me. my mom said not to worry about that cause it is very strange... so weird. i know she was just trying to be nice, but seriously, no. haha oh well. i have lost 2 lbs. this week.. which is awesome.. im slowly, but steadily making my way ;)
my mom and dad are going to kansas tomorrow which is kinda nice, have a weekend with no questions every five seconds. i love my parents... a lot i do. and im going to miss them next year a lot, but where i am right now, i just kinda wish they back off a little bit.
the choir trip is coming up in a few weeks, which i think is going to be really fun. now that im closer with people at church, i think it will be better than previous years.
so thats my story for now.. doc has finally stopped talking and now i dont know whats going on so i need to pay attention.. eeks.
peace | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Security: | | | Subject: | ugh | | Time: | 10:47 pm | | Current Mood: | annoyed |
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| | i swear, why do parents think they are helping, when really they are making me so insane that i want to scream at them.. anyone have an answer? anyone?? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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